One of the most effective strategies I learned in 18 years as an educator focuses on compliments. The 5 to 1 Compliment-to-Constructive Criticism tool is key for building relationships, especially with kids on the Autism Spectrum. In writing this I’m thinking of the faces of students (wish I could name them, but I can’t for privacy reasons) who lit up when hearing my focus on a thing or things they did well.
Is this odd and maybe a bit awkward? Yep! Does it take effort on our part as teachers, parents, and caregivers? Yes! And yet, with Autistic kids, it works. Not surprisingly, it also works with other teens and kids in general (hint–many things here work with typical kids!).
Ideas to start the 5 to 1 conversation:
“Well, let’s talk about that, you’ve done an amazing job at...”
“Can I give you a compliment?” followed by 5, and then 1 constructive comment or request
“Are you okay if I share some things I like about how you…” You share the 5 and then make a request if it seems to fit the conversation.
“Can we chat, I really appreciate how you…”
Better yet–to keep ears open and decrease the anxiety-style response in kids on the Autism Spectrum–just give 5 compliments and end it there. Don’t add the constructive criticism or the “ask”. Let the child bask in the compliments and go about the rest of their day.
Back to the start: we use the 5:1 tool to build self-confidence in our kids AND guide them to complete or practice the 1 request/constructive criticism that we have. If we communicated the request/criticism alone, the likelihood of it being done would be less than without the compliments. The collateral benefit here is the positivity that dominates the tone of our conversation. Try it, in your own style of course. And make it a great day!