Emo Reg is an executive functioning skill, yet I wanted to write about a set of responses for us parents, teachers, and caregivers to be aware of, especially when kids or teens are exhausted or pushed to their mental limit.
Fight or Flight--Most of us know these two responses. There's a threat, people either fight the threat or run away. But there's another unfortunate side to emotional regulation. For some neurodiverse kids, especially in the middle school years, it becomes excruciating trying to navigate the social scene as it develops at school. Class responsibilities ramp up in middle school, there are more extracurricular options/responsibilities, and now I have to start reading mixed messages, deciphering body language, and talking to the opposite sex?!
Some students after 7 hours of school and the exhaustion of it, come home and UNLEASH on whichever parent is physically at home. This traditionally means that Mom--ready to provide caring and food and love--becomes the target. Another way to think of this--the child has been white-knuckling it for 7 hours, their brain glycogen is depleted, the CHECK ENGINE LIGHT IS ON, and they've exhausted every resource they have coping with the pain of not understanding what is going on while trying not to make a mistake in front of their peers or get called out for a mistake they've made (yep, this is avoidance...let's just survive another day).
And they physically unleash. Could be punching holes in walls, breaking things, long walks on tippy-toes, or attacking a parent.
Solution? Trial and error of what your child will choose--granola bar snacks, a protein option (beef stick or nuts), moderate amount of sugar, quiet time and space in a darker part of the house, weighted blanket, favorite stuffed animal, chocolate milk (sugars and protein), or maybe something you and the child experiment with and choose together--a walk outside in a county park, time around a pet, volunteering at an animal shelter, you decide. Pets tend to be caring givers of love for many of us!
Freeze and Forget--The last 2 responses of the 4 F's. The Freeze response is often physical, a whole-body freeze in one's tracks, followed by wide-eyes searching for input into what is going on. This is the computer (brain) freezing. I think of past students being overwhelmed or having just registered some input or observation that floods their senses (stimulus overload). One student (yep, being anonymous here) was a superb artist who would get lost in her work in class, painting or drawing. As a science teacher I loved her work, and there were times (when tired or overwhelmed) she would freeze with a unique stare. I would approach her from the side and casually give a thumbs up. My non-verbal would get her to turn her eyes and head slightly towards me, and this small movement in her would briefly reset her thinking and she would resume the work.
Forget. A classic pre-teen/teenager habit. The response of "I don't know" is common during 1. end-of-the-day classes 2. parent-teacher conferences especially if there isn't any frontloading of what the meeting will look like 3. mornings 4. any situation where the teen feels they've failed or screwed up 5. just got home from work 6. times when feeling emotionally spent no matter if the concern is logical or illogical
Solution? Time and space. Not too much, just a little brain break of 10-15 minutes followed by a supportive approach (see our post on 5:1 compliment to constructive/feedback or try a 3 compliment to 1 request as a gentle reminder to nudge the child/student). Also, the teen brain is growing, with myelination (the speed part of message transmission) occurring until the mid-20's. This is a time of change and requires so much patience for us working with the child.
The takeaway--recognizing the 4 F's might help alter our approach as parents, caregivers, and teachers to make our interaction more effective. It is also something to be aware of in ourselves, so we can decide if we need a break, a lower stimulus environment, or time. Good luck in applying this in your family or school. Make it a great day!